Why?

Why live in a world like this? What's the point? When it seems the bad far outweighs the good, why try? Doesn't that make a moron? It's pointless.

I see good people suffer what the bad deserve. I see the bad triumph over the good at every turn. A good girl hates herself because of the lies the bad has told her. She can't see her own light because its darkness casts a shadow upon her. The pain she feels she does not deserve. The air it breathes it does not deserve. Why should she feel pain while it dances in her tears? It should drown. It should decay. But it lives. It thrives. It's taking her life.

What's the point anymore when all efforts are futile? When no matter how hard you try or how loudly you scream, no one cares and no one hears?

I'm losing my voice. Not like anyone's listening anyway. Has anyone ever listened? Doesn't matter. I still screamed. And I'll be screaming. Until my cries scar my throat and it bleeds and I drown from the blood filling my lungs. I'll scream after the shriek fades and the gurgling of struggled breath replaces it.

I'll scream. Why? For me. Because the world can have its darkness. The others can give in and have their darkness. I won't have it. Even if the only light in me is dimmer than a dying firefly. That's why.

Call it pointless. I'm a moron. But I'd rather die trying than let it break me. It won't take me. Not as long as I'm screaming. 

My Mask

A mask better than any you've seen.
A mask to hide the real me.
To cover my scars and my pain
So I can fake a smile again.

A mask to hide my past.
A mask that will forever last.
What is it that you see?
Because it isn't me.

My memory is faded;
My personality, jaded.
I don't remember who I was.
I don't remember me because

Too much has happened that I can't control.
And now I'm someone I hardly know.
Bottle it up, my daily task.
That is how I don my mask.

When the pain returns and sears
Like the piercing points of well-made spears.
Hide it away so no one will ask.
That is how I don my mask.

A mask of lies and of denial.
A mask strengthened by each trial.
I've worn it so long. Can it be?
I have forgotten what looks like me.

Sick and Fucking Tired

I am sick and fucking tired of seeing someone I love let himself be torn apart by this bitch he convinced himself he loved.  I've seen them together and all she does is bring him down.  When he isn't around she's this cheerful little fairy that floats around and flirts, but the -second- she sees him, THE FUCKING SECOND SHE SEES HIM, all she talks about is negative things.  She blames him for shit and says that he's killing her.  She's threatened to kill herself and harm herself and it's every single time he's around. NO OTHER TIME! He comes to me and tells me how much it hurts him, how much pain it causes him and that KILLS ME.  I bend over backwards DAY AFTER DAY to make him smile and to show him he's worth so much more than that, but apparently that's not enough because he keeps going back to her and he keeps letting her hurt him and I'm afraid that one of these days I'm just going to blow up in his face and he'll hate me, but I don't think I can do this any longer! SHE DOESN'T LOVE YOU! What she loves is attention and your gentle heart gives it to her and she leeches out your life in the process! STOP IT! You don't deserve that! You're better than that! And I don't know, maybe it's the Nightingale Syndrome in action or something.  Maybe you just want to be a hero and save her from herself, but, honey, SHE'S A DEMON! A downright, no good, worthless piece of shit that doesn't deserve to breathe.  I want to be there for you and I want to help you, but if you keep going back and forth and ignoring me and all I've said and done and practically stabbing my heart each time you decide to let her back in yours, I won't be around much longer.  Please stop this.  I'm begging you.  I know it hurts.  I know it's so fucking painful you can hardly breathe, but I'll help you.  Whenever you need me, day or night, I'll be there.  Don't let her hurt you any more than she already has.  Please.

I'm Not Perfect

I'm not perfect.  I'm not happy.  I struggle everyday to smile like I used to, but no one sees it.  They don't care to see it.  I'm tired of being treated like I can feel no pain.  I'm tired of being brushed off when I reach out.  I can't always be a little happiness pixie, spreading cheer and joy to all those around me.  I'd love to be.  I'd give anything to be.  But I'm -not.-  It's like people think that when I act ridiculous and off-the-wall it's because I don't have a care in the world.  Guess what?  It's the exact opposite. It couldn't be farther from the truth.  I'm hurting so badly inside there are times I wonder why I'm even breathing.
I don't need pity.  I don't need someone to magically make it all better.  I just want someone to give a shit.  I will bend over backwards for people when they need me and all I want is for someone to do that for me for a change.  I don't want to have to ask someone to be there.  I want them to just be there like I am for the people I love.  To just -know- when I feel like crap and want to make it better.
I guess in that respect I'm an unrealistic dreamer.  I'm sorry I'm not perfect.  I'm sorry that I have bad days, too, and can't always be your personal little cheer up bunny.  I'm sorry you treat me like I've failed you when I don't shove my own problems away like always and focus only on you.  I'm sorry you can't see that my smile hasn't been real for a long time and I'm sorry you couldn't care less about that.
I can only handle so much.  I'm not perfect.

Becki Becki Becki

You know that feeling when you just happen to fall into a conversation with someone and suddenly feel like you've been friends forever? That's how it felt when I talked to Becki for the first time. Becki is a hilarious person whose name I love to say because it's magic and unfreezes my TL. (Don't worry if that doesn't make sense to you. It's not supposed to. As long as she gets it.)

Becki is the kind of person that will go out of her way just to see her friends happy. She's the kind of person who does her best to share happiness with her loved ones. These are qualities I really admire, especially since they seem to be getting rarer.

I love having Becki as a friend. It's always exciting when I see her pop up on my TL She's an awesome person who strives to do her best. (And she's an awesome RPer.) You should go check her out and see what I'm talking about. You can find her on @The_Walking_Amy.

Happy 21st birthday, Becki! (If I spelled your name wrong, get over it. My love should be enough for you! [laughs])

An Amazing Artist

There are a lot of people in my life. People I hate, people I tolerate, people I like, and people I wouldn't be the same without. The girl this post is dedicated to falls under the last category.

This girl is amazing. Her mind is something to admire. Unlike many people who RP on twitter without a clue about what they're doing, she makes characters come alive as though it were as easy as breathing. She possesses outstanding talent and will always blow you away.

But she's not -just- RP. I love knowing her because her personality in itself is something that will make you wonder, "Why haven't we been friends forever? What is this madness?" That is why I'm so glad to be able to share her birthday with her. Even though we are separated geographically, the internet brings us closer.

She is someone I am proud to consider my sister.

Her twitter UN is @Twisted_Artist. Check her out. You most certainly won't regret it!

Happy Birthday, girl! Hope it's as awesome as Ricktatorship!

My Sister

Does there exist a way that can properly convey my love for my sister? To accommodate for the distance between us that inversely represents the closeness of our hearts? To relay to those who do not see the love I have for her and she for me?

Because if there is I'd really like to fucking know what it is so I can show her how ridiculously rad she is!

There are things in this world we all must face. Things that threaten to break us down and cripple us so that we may never again be who we once were. Things that, if not treated immediately, latch on and leech our life as time goes by. It is when we face these things that we need someone by our side. Someone to stand beside us as well as prop us up. Someone to distract us while keeping us focused on what's important. This person can be anyone. It can be a lover, a friend, a family member, a pet, or even a total stranger. For me, it is my sister.

She is not my sister by blood but by heart and by soul. We are closer than some sisters can ever hope to be. When the things I face day to day start to weigh me down, I know she'll be there to lift my spirits. And just as sure as I know that, I know that I will always be there for her. 

And I will plot the severe, excruciatingly painful destruction of fucks who mess with her!

My sister is a fantastic woman. Although many misunderstand her, she is kinder than many people you'll ever meet. Even if she does not know you well, if you look to her for advice, she will answer you. She will look at your situation objectively and take the time to give you the best advice she can. Sure, it may not always be what you want to hear, but you asked for advice and an opinion, not a silly putty replica of what you're already thinking or hoping she'll say. My sister will not hide her opinion. Some may think this is cruel, but ask yourself which is worse: a straightforward account of one's feelings or someone who will lull you into a false sense of security, build you up, and then utterly crush you when you'll feel the most damage? The truth may hurt, but you'll live, while lies can scar forever. 

As can some images found on Google, but that's a whole 'nother subject. 

There are some things I believe God greatly desires to happen. Things that make him reach down and cause certain chains of events so that the outcome he wishes for may occur without a possible incident changing the flow of events. Whether it be something big like a national disaster or something relatively small like someone being accepted to a prestigious college, God may reach out and use His influence. I believe this is what brought my sister and I together.

That and a mutual love of Norman Reedus pouring beer on Gaga's ass. 

I suppose what I'm trying to say here is: Happy birthday, Girl! I love you!