As crappy as I feel, as hard as it is to handle everything that's happening to me and going on around me, the worst part is that I don't want to burden the people I care about. I don't want to add to the things they have to worry about. I want to provide them with a place of solace. I want them to feel like they can come to me and tell me all the shit that's bothering them and then let me cheer them up. I always aim to be a beacon of light to people, but I feel like lately I'm more of a dark tunnel that only succeeds in bringing people down.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I suddenly go from being hyper to being the most depressing sack of shit. I'm trying really hard to keep myself together, but I don't think I'm doing a very good job and for that I'm sorry. It's not in me to reach out because I've had my hand slapped away too many times. I'm too scared of being hurt to really open up. I'm too afraid that the people I want most will push me away or grow tired of me, so I don't even give them the chance to prove me wrong. And the worst part of that is that I know there are people around me who want to be there for me the way I want to be there for them, but I'm so fucking petrified that I can't and I feel like that's hurting them and then I just feel like the biggest asshole that ever lived.
I feel like a porcelain doll with a painted smile that looked so convincing, but now I'm cracking. Pieces are falling. I can't pick them up on my own, but I've put myself so high on the shelves that I'm not sure I could ever reach anyone else to ask for the help I need.
For my moods, I'm sorry. For my waffling, I'm sorry. For my cagey behavior, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I wish I could make it up to those of you who must be frustrated by me, but I don't know how and that's the worst part.
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