Right Now

Right now, I just kinda really hate myself. I don't want to be me. I'm not feeling being alive. I want to lie in bed until I waste away to nothing.
I don't see the point. I honestly don't. There's nothing I do that someone else can't or doesn't. I can be replaced really easily. I can be forgotten really easily. So what's the point in my even being here? I don't get it. I'm useless. My friends are hurting and struggling, but I can't do a single fucking thing for them. I yell and scream until I can't move, but nothing changes. I might as well not exist.
I hate being forgotten. It scares me. I feel like I'm being told that I'm annoying and then want to apologize profusely, but I know that would just be even more annoying. If you don't want me to bother you, just say so. I'll do it. I'll leave you alone. You'll never have to suffer my presence again.
Lately, it just feels like all I ever do is dive into sudden depression over the smallest things and I hate bringing people down. It just makes me hate myself more. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's true and it hasn't gotten any better. I tell myself to stop it and to not let such small things get to me so badly, but I can't do it. No matter how hard I try those things still make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart. I become a worthless fucking sack of absolute shit and I hate that, but there's nothing I can do to change it.
To those of you that know me and know what I'm talking about, I am so so sorry. I don't know what else to do but apologize. You don't deserve my shitty ass ruining your good time and for that I could not be more sorry. That's why I'm taking a break from Twitter. Please, don't ask me what's wrong or try to tell me that I'm being ridiculous for thinking this way. You're all better people than I am so I know you'll try to comfort me and everything, but I'm not stupid. I know how I've been acting and I know it's annoying as fuck. I just hope you can forgive me for all of this. I don't know how long I'll be away. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, but I'm tired of going from a bouncing ball of happiness to a piece of crap in no time flat. I'm tired of being a shitty friend. I love you guys. I'm really sorry.

The Worst Part

As crappy as I feel, as hard as it is to handle everything that's happening to me and going on around me, the worst part is that I don't want to burden the people I care about. I don't want to add to the things they have to worry about. I want to provide them with a place of solace. I want them to feel like they can come to me and tell me all the shit that's bothering them and then let me cheer them up. I always aim to be a beacon of light to people, but I feel like lately I'm more of a dark tunnel that only succeeds in bringing people down.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I suddenly go from being hyper to being the most depressing sack of shit. I'm trying really hard to keep myself together, but I don't think I'm doing a very good job and for that I'm sorry. It's not in me to reach out because I've had my hand slapped away too many times. I'm too scared of being hurt to really open up. I'm too afraid that the people I want most will push me away or grow tired of me, so I don't even give them the chance to prove me wrong. And the worst part of that is that I know there are people around me who want to be there for me the way I want to be there for them, but I'm so fucking petrified that I can't and I feel like that's hurting them and then I just feel like the biggest asshole that ever lived.
I feel like a porcelain doll with a painted smile that looked so convincing, but now I'm cracking. Pieces are falling. I can't pick them up on my own, but I've put myself so high on the shelves that I'm not sure I could ever reach anyone else to ask for the help I need.
For my moods, I'm sorry. For my waffling, I'm sorry. For my cagey behavior, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I wish I could make it up to those of you who must be frustrated by me, but I don't know how and that's the worst part.

I Can't

I've been trying really hard, but I can't. You aren't allowed to do that. You can't be so amazing. It's not fair to be the first person I think of when I wake up. It's not fair to have so much control over my heart. I'm constantly afraid of annoying you and getting pushed away, but you're the one I want most. I want to make you happy the way you make me happy, but I feel like all I do is act like a complete idiot. I can't handle it. It hurts too much. It shouldn't hurt like this. Ever since I finally admitted to myself that I like you, it feels like I've only been struggling with more pain and the only one who can take it away is you, but I can never tell you. I may scream it in my heart, I may desperately put my feelings out hoping that they reach you, but I'm not even sure I want you to know. All I do is cry over you and I hate it. I hate this feeling. I just want it to go away. I can't take it.

Never

Never will the admittance escape mine lips
Nor mine fingertips
Never may he know what I feel
What I desperately conceal
Never will I bare my chest
I'm too scared to take that test
So I'll scream inside my heart
Because nothing will ever start
I'll just rhyme because I'm clever
A poem that I've entitled "Never"

It's Not Fair

It's not fair that my "Good morning!" doesn't mean the same as yours.
It's not fair that my "I miss you" doesn't mean the same as yours.
It's not fair that I wake up wondering how you are, but to you I'm just another friend.
It's not fair.

One short message or one small gesture and my entire day is made.
One forgotten call or one ignored message and nothing can bring back my smile.
When you're upset, it hurts.
When you say "I love you," it hurts.

You're good to me. Too good to me.
Stop.
My emotions are tied to you.
Just stop.

I want to be special. To mean more.
I want to have the value to you that you have to me.
I wish I could tell you, but I never can.
It's not fair. It's just not fair.