That's Fine

If you want to forsake me, that's fine. If you want to hate me, that's fine. If you want to wish death on me, that's fine. If you want to hurt me, that's fine.
You've already hurt me enough. Day after day after day, you hurt me. Time and time again, you forgot me. Promises broken, hopes dashed, and still I devoted hour after hour to you. I put my life on hold. I ignored other dear friends. I gave you more attention than anyone or anything else, but what did I get in return? For the 120% of myself that I devoted to making you happy, I got 40% back, at best. Giving you the benefit of the doubt became second nature. Wallowing in my own pain, unable to convey to you the hurt you put me through was a daily activity. There were times when I tried. There were times when I all but screamed it at you, begging you to give just one fuck. But you didn't. That isn't to say you were never there because there were times when you were. There were times you helped me through that I will forever be grateful to you for. But it wasn't enough. It wasn't enough to make up for all the tears I shed. It wasn't enough to erase the pain of not having you reciprocate the level of friendship I showed you and that is why I had to make a change. That is why I decided to not expect so much from you. It wasn't fair to me and it wasn't fair to you. There are other people who are willing to give me that kind of friendship and so I made the change I did. I tried to approach you honestly, but you seem to prefer treating me like a devil. But that's fine. Call me a devil. Write me off as a demon, a Satan that's but a stain in your life. That's fine. If you choose to continue taking me for granted, that's fine. I give up. I don't have it in me to fight anymore. I opened my heart and had it trampled upon. It hurts. But that's fine.

Clyde

A year ago today, @_Hannibal_King_ emerged on the TL and since he's the reason I first started talking to Clyde, his twitversary is our anniversary.
When Clyde and I met, it was through our characters. She didn't have an author account yet. Hannie liked her so much, he nicknamed her "Angel." She will always be Angel to him.
Clyde and I first started to get close around the end of summer when Toad started school and wasn't around as much late at night/early in the morning. The night that really started it all was when I was having a Psych marathon and got so into talking about it that I changed my avi to Shawn and started to call Clyde, "Lassie." As the nights went on, we came up with crazy sleepover/kidnapping ideas and even gave them themes. Soon enough, we were shouting weird shit at each other and, realizing we would be partners in crime, decided to be Bonnie and Clyde. After that I spent many an argument threatening to burn her share of the money while she tried to use Frank Iero's adorable face against me.
It was actually a fairly long time before we started RPing together. One late night, while I was up talking to Clyde and Vanilla, I couldn't resist the urge to use Minzy as an FC nor could I resist Buttface's boyish charms and thus HwaYoung was born. Since then, Clyde and I have grown even closer and have a SHIT TON of SLs planned for the Beauties and the Beasts.
Clyde is an AMAZING writer. She captures subtle nuances and expressions in ways I've never seen done before. She can be as doubtful of that as she wants, but it doesn't change the fact that it's true.
Anyway, Clyde, even though you ruined my life with Freaks and Geeks, I still love you way more than you love Franco. You may be #TrackThree in brains, but you're #TrackOne in my heart. Happy anniversary!

Toad

This time last year I wished Toad a happy birthday. It wasn't anything special, just a tweet that I sent because I saw other people sending them. Sure, I kinda knew her, but really the only reason I sent the tweet was because I didn't want to be the only one on the TL who didn't. But now? Now that bitch is so lodged in my heart no amount of sexy men dressed as construction workers could pry her out.
I honestly can't believe it's actually been over a year since we met. Over a year since her Maggie and I argued. Over a year since her Maggie favorited one of my tweets which prompted me to follow her. It's been a year since we were soul reapers together with Fergie. It's been a year since we became the capslock sisters. It's been a year since our sisterhood began and so much has happened that it seems more like decades have passed.
I used the power of peer pressure to make her create Daisy. My Hannie has a thing for Toad and has asserted his possession of her on more than one occasion. By way of intense shouting, I got her to watch A Hard Day's Night with me. Yeah. I got her first time. We've RPed together and I made her fall in love with my Poop. I told her she wasn't ready for this jelly. My body's too bootylicious for her. So much dishonor on so many cows. I'd mention everything we've ever done, but I think just saying #LadyAndTheCat pretty much sums it all up.
Toad is not just a friend I met online. She's not some bubbly entity that's there for the sole purpose to make me feel good. Toad is my precious little sister who is always, -ALWAYS- welcome to hide in my DMs when the TL just doesn't appeal to her. In there we'll put on boas and sprawl and just make absolutely no sense at all. Derping to the extreme.
Earlier today I told Ronald that I was freaking out because she's another year older. I don't even care that my Lil Bro is turning the same age in a couple months, but because Toad is as old as she is now I'm having a life crisis and just want to shove her back so she never ages.
I don't really know what I'm getting at anymore, but the point is: Toad is amazing and better than the rest of you at everything. You don't even breathe as well as she does.
Happy birthday, Toad. I love you. Stay #TrackOne.

Right Now

Right now, I just kinda really hate myself. I don't want to be me. I'm not feeling being alive. I want to lie in bed until I waste away to nothing.
I don't see the point. I honestly don't. There's nothing I do that someone else can't or doesn't. I can be replaced really easily. I can be forgotten really easily. So what's the point in my even being here? I don't get it. I'm useless. My friends are hurting and struggling, but I can't do a single fucking thing for them. I yell and scream until I can't move, but nothing changes. I might as well not exist.
I hate being forgotten. It scares me. I feel like I'm being told that I'm annoying and then want to apologize profusely, but I know that would just be even more annoying. If you don't want me to bother you, just say so. I'll do it. I'll leave you alone. You'll never have to suffer my presence again.
Lately, it just feels like all I ever do is dive into sudden depression over the smallest things and I hate bringing people down. It just makes me hate myself more. I know I sound like a broken record, but it's true and it hasn't gotten any better. I tell myself to stop it and to not let such small things get to me so badly, but I can't do it. No matter how hard I try those things still make me feel like I'm being stabbed in the heart. I become a worthless fucking sack of absolute shit and I hate that, but there's nothing I can do to change it.
To those of you that know me and know what I'm talking about, I am so so sorry. I don't know what else to do but apologize. You don't deserve my shitty ass ruining your good time and for that I could not be more sorry. That's why I'm taking a break from Twitter. Please, don't ask me what's wrong or try to tell me that I'm being ridiculous for thinking this way. You're all better people than I am so I know you'll try to comfort me and everything, but I'm not stupid. I know how I've been acting and I know it's annoying as fuck. I just hope you can forgive me for all of this. I don't know how long I'll be away. I'm sorry if this upsets anyone, but I'm tired of going from a bouncing ball of happiness to a piece of crap in no time flat. I'm tired of being a shitty friend. I love you guys. I'm really sorry.

The Worst Part

As crappy as I feel, as hard as it is to handle everything that's happening to me and going on around me, the worst part is that I don't want to burden the people I care about. I don't want to add to the things they have to worry about. I want to provide them with a place of solace. I want them to feel like they can come to me and tell me all the shit that's bothering them and then let me cheer them up. I always aim to be a beacon of light to people, but I feel like lately I'm more of a dark tunnel that only succeeds in bringing people down.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I suddenly go from being hyper to being the most depressing sack of shit. I'm trying really hard to keep myself together, but I don't think I'm doing a very good job and for that I'm sorry. It's not in me to reach out because I've had my hand slapped away too many times. I'm too scared of being hurt to really open up. I'm too afraid that the people I want most will push me away or grow tired of me, so I don't even give them the chance to prove me wrong. And the worst part of that is that I know there are people around me who want to be there for me the way I want to be there for them, but I'm so fucking petrified that I can't and I feel like that's hurting them and then I just feel like the biggest asshole that ever lived.
I feel like a porcelain doll with a painted smile that looked so convincing, but now I'm cracking. Pieces are falling. I can't pick them up on my own, but I've put myself so high on the shelves that I'm not sure I could ever reach anyone else to ask for the help I need.
For my moods, I'm sorry. For my waffling, I'm sorry. For my cagey behavior, I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. I wish I could make it up to those of you who must be frustrated by me, but I don't know how and that's the worst part.

I Can't

I've been trying really hard, but I can't. You aren't allowed to do that. You can't be so amazing. It's not fair to be the first person I think of when I wake up. It's not fair to have so much control over my heart. I'm constantly afraid of annoying you and getting pushed away, but you're the one I want most. I want to make you happy the way you make me happy, but I feel like all I do is act like a complete idiot. I can't handle it. It hurts too much. It shouldn't hurt like this. Ever since I finally admitted to myself that I like you, it feels like I've only been struggling with more pain and the only one who can take it away is you, but I can never tell you. I may scream it in my heart, I may desperately put my feelings out hoping that they reach you, but I'm not even sure I want you to know. All I do is cry over you and I hate it. I hate this feeling. I just want it to go away. I can't take it.

Never

Never will the admittance escape mine lips
Nor mine fingertips
Never may he know what I feel
What I desperately conceal
Never will I bare my chest
I'm too scared to take that test
So I'll scream inside my heart
Because nothing will ever start
I'll just rhyme because I'm clever
A poem that I've entitled "Never"